NEW BLOG :)

i've created a new blog called it's time to start anew :)
i will be updating on there from now on, so follow me!

with trust comes happiness.

Trust; what a hard thing to come by. It's a concept that's hard to grasp, and one definitely hard to hold onto. Trust can make or break a relationship, a friendship, a household. I've personally experienced trust issues in all of these situations; as i'm sure most of us have. The most recent? Well, that would be the trust between a father and a daughter...which is apparently not much.
So, Justin and I were going to go camping with his mom and his stepdad. I asked Dad, and after a while of "i'll have to think about it", i got a yes. we're up at petersburg at the lake. we've got the pontoon and we're all just having a great time. on friday night, justin's parents let us take the boat out. we stopped at our friend luke's house for maybe an hour or less so we could talk to and see everybody. yeah, there was drinking going on, but justin and i weren't there to party...we were there to just stop by because we were begged to. well there was this girl there; 15 YEARS OLD, mind you. and she was stumbling around the house and screaming, so i told her she needed to go lay down and go to bed. let me tell you what this girl did...she stepped up on me, meaning she was a good 3 steps in front of me and she got right in my face and started drunkenly screaming, "you have no right to judge me!" anyone who knows me knows that i do not put up with that, but i kept my cool and i took a step back and told her one more time that she needed to lay down, then justin and i left. The next morning I get a call from my dad. He asks me "Were you at Luke Gavalas' house last night and think carefully before you answer this" I said, "Yes, I was. Justin and i took the boat out there for like an hour last night". He told me that i wasnt where i was supposed to be and that i needed to come home. I said "So, if i said that i was going to Morgan's house, but we went over to Rachael's for like an hour and then came back, that'd be me 'not being where i said i would be'"? But, of course, (for those of you who know my father), he made justin take me all the way home. I WAS FURIOUS, let alone embarassed. I am 18 years old, and my father still doesn't trust me.
I called my mom, and said that i couldn't stand being treated like a child anymore. I told her that i wanted to come home. I told my dad that I was going to spend the night with her that night. My mom wasn't going to be home and she said that Justin and I could come stay the night there. Well, when my dad found this out, he demanded that I come home. I, for the first time in 18 years, stood up to my father and said, "I'm not coming home" He then told me to bring him the car. So, I did. When i walked in, he took my keys and my phone and gave me my sister's old phone and said "you have until the 28th to get off our plan or we're cutting if off". i asked him how he expected me to get to school and work. his reply: "that's not my problem". the next day, i got all of my stuff and left...without a car, my phone, or a laptop. I was NOT about to let him think that just because he held that stuff from me that I would stay. NO. my bestfriends helped me move out and that was that.

I'm now living with my mom...and it just feels right. i'm home. i'm comfortable and i have more freedom than ever before. Justin takes me/lets me use his car whenever i have school and work. i am so thankful to have him. he is so supportive and does everything he can to help. Because I have such early classes, he stays with us at my house and i love it, because i get to spend so much more time with him. His best friends, Cory and Jason, stay the night sometimes too and they are absolutely two of the greatest guys ive ever met and we're all like a family. i love it.
when i left my mom's house to live with my dad back in April, i was a wreck. i cried myself to sleep every night for a month; i felt empty and unwanted. my mom and i have both hurt each other in the past and we've apologized. She welcomes me home with open arms and i couldn't be happier. When I was living with my dad, I HATED being home. I stayed out until 1 AM (my curfew) every night. But living with my mom, i like being home. needless to say, even though i don't have a car, i am happy :)
thanks for reading; thanks for caring.

postsecret

they aren't in any kind of order:


1) my baby brother is five inches taller than me and it makes me sad, because he's growing up so fast 2) i can't stand my youngest sisters; i wish i liked them but, as sad as it sounds, i just don't 3) i wish i was closer to my younger sister...i mean, we're only 18 months apart 4) i wish my dad acted towards his family the way he acts to the fans surrounding him at UGA football games 5) my stepmom gets on my very last nerve and everytime i talk to her, i literally feel part of my brain die 6) i feel so uncomfortable around my own mother and that causes me more pain than i've ever felt before (except for the day she actually left) 7) i am scared to death of letting my parents down 8) for some odd reason, pregnancy doesn't seem like such a bad idea in a year or two 9) i push people away just to see if they care enough to pull back 10) i'm terrified of how my life will turn out after he deploys 11) i've always thought of depression as a bunch of bologna; but i'm starting to believe in it 12) i wish mine was as good to me as hers is to her 13) i'm loud, carefree, and confident only to hide my lack thereof 14) medical school just doesn't seem right for me anymore...and i'm not ready to tell my parents 15) one time, i saw a guy litter in the asu parking lot so i picked up all the trash i saw around me, checked to see if his doors were unlocked, and put it all in the driver's seat of his car...i hope the lesson he learned was about littering; not leaving your car unlocked 16) if i don't get out of my house soon, i will go insane 17) the fact that my stepmom cleans everything for me makes me see her as nothing more than a maid 18) i have serious selfish issues...i like to keep people to myself 19) i brought four people together who have a greater connection with each other than i've ever had with a single one of them 20) my "new" friends aren't as great as i make them out to be 21) i miss my support group 22) i have no talents or hobbies...really, it's true...and very sad 23) i wish i was capable of staying home on the weeknights, but i just can't bring myself to do it 24) i lost one of my best friends because i was grounded for a week and so she moved on to someone else...ever since then, ive been afraid of losing my friends 25) i've already lost them 26) when georgia football season ends, i'm scared that i'll lose the only connection i have to my topher 27) i can't listen to one rap song without thinking of my best friend 28) everytime i call her my best friend, i cry, because i know that she does not call me by the same name 29) i still sleep with my buildabear everynight...even if i'm not sleeping at home 30) one thing i love about my "new" friends is that they never would ever make fat jokes; you have no idea how much they hurt me 31) i go to the gym daily now and i most definitely do not get the recommended 2,000 calories in...not even a third of that 32) trust me, i count 33) i feel so out of place in my sunday school class on sunday mornings 34) so, this one time, a guy in my sunday school harped and harped about how "Christians are called to be different and set apart" and how "drinking in public, even if you are over the age gives the image that you are blending in"...that next saturday, he showed up at a party i was at; kahlua in hand 35) re-reading these makes my stomach churn 36) i only deleted my twitter to make a statement; the night i did it, i realized how badly i overreact 37) i'm convinced that justin is going to propose at the fair in the barn where we met; i'm not totally sure; but if he did, not a shadow of doubt would cross my mind 38) i think that a certain "friend" of mine is a lying slut who likes to toy with boys' emotions and doesn't deserve the boyfriend she has now 39) when i see skinny girls put on weight, it makes me feel better about myself 40) i am surrounded by people who don't go to college and i feel awesome because i'm actually going somewhere with my life 41) i cannot cannot wait to go to the fair with the four greatest people i know...and yes, that was an invitation :) 42) i CANNOT wait for my wedding; i'm so stoked. and as of now, i KNOW my bridesmaid line-up and it's straight up ballin' 43) i feel like my life is finally coming together...idk, its weird. but now that ive worked everything out with my bestfriends and i know what i want, i'm much much happier 44) i'm an emotional rollercoaster, i've come to realize; i'm a "real piece of work" as someone so sweetly put it :) 45) i was really scared i wouldn't like my new autistic boy because i love aidan so much, but they are both two of the greatest kids i've ever met in my life 46) i'll be honest, i feel like a straight up G whenever people ask me where i work and i have the priveledge of saying "i'm a behavior therapist for autistic kids" :):):) 47) i went to my mom's for dinner last week and i saw my room which was even more bare than the last time i saw it and all of the anger i felt towards her came rushing back 48) i wish i lived with her again just so that i could have more freedom 49) i'm staying at home all night tonight and that makes me really happy 50)i want to move out...now. 51) i'm back living with mommy now and it just feels right 52) i'm obsessed with the way people's mouths move.

yeah, ill stop now haha :)

pinocytosis, plasmodesmata, facilitated transport?

as of now, i am a full-time student at augusta state university in the pre-med program. my major is biology and i'm aspiring to become an Ob/Gyn...
yeah, about that...
i went to the first pre-med meeting of the year and there were about 15 representatives from MCG present. about ten were from the admissions committee or specialized departments. and five of the representatives were students. one was a first year student, one was a second year, one was a third year, and two were fourth year students. basically, i'll give you a run-down of what was discussed in this meeting:
around 2,000 people apply...230 are accepted.
while i am a 12-hour student and considered full-time now, a full-time student in med school is a 36-hour student.
the students that are accepted have hours and hours of volunteer and shadowing work.
the average GPA of the students enrolled in MCG is 3.7 and the average MCAT (Medical College Aptitude Test) is 39. the highest you can get is a 45....and if you get below a 30, you shouldn't even apply.
also, the students don't have jobs; they can't. medical school takes everything in them and they do not have a social life...
am i really smart enough, or driven enough to be accepted into medical school? do i have what it takes to be one of the 230 kids accepted out of 2,000? i don't have good study habits; i don't have good time-management. i want to be a doctor...i want it so bad, but do i want it bad enough? would i give up my life to become a doctor? or should i just become a high school english teacher?
the answers to all these questions: i don't have a clue in the world.
and this, this is the part of my future that scares me. what if i'm wasting my time right now in undergrad school? what if i'm killing myself over calculus and 7th level biology only to decide in a year that i can't do it? what if i let my parents down...what if i let myself down?

oh boiled peanuts :)

so fall is my absolute favorite time of year :) the crisp air, the colors of the changing leaves, watching Boykin make an 80-yard run with 93,000 of your closest friends, licking the sugar of a Columbia County Fair funnel cake off your fingers before boarding the Sizzler, using your one-time-only slut card to dress up and taking pictures that you'll laugh at in 15 years, eating twice your weight in turkey and dressing, and anticipating Christmastime spent with family and friends.
it's the first day of this beautiful season and it has put me in one of the best moods. i can't wait to share all of these wonderful memories with those who mean the most to me. these next three and a half months are the last months i get to spend with the love of my life before he boards a plane headed overseas to defend our country. i won't be able to spend next fall with him, so i'm going to soak this one up and breathe it all in.

we're in college now. scary thought, huh? it's like all that we've been waiting for is finally here...and it seems as if the expectation gave me a much greater high than the experience itself. when i set foot on campus, i was in awe. the buildings, the people, the freedom...it was one of the most thrilling feelings i've ever had. high school was just the bridge (the ever so long bridge) between childhood and adolescence, but i never thought growing up would be so hard...
from the time a child is born, he's being prepared to venture out on his own. learning to stand, learning to walk, to talk, to think for himself, to ride a bike, to drive a car, to earn money, etc. and we all look forward so much to the next step that we almost skip a step just to reach the next one. but, once we reach the next step, the next is only so far away and we want to be there so bad. college was that way for me, but college was not all it was cracked up to be.

sure, i am absolutely in love with college life. LOVE. while i live at home, i still have freedom (like today, i chose not to go to my english class because i decided to stay out late last night instead of doing my 15-source annotated bibliography that was due). the people i have met have been some of the most wonderful and interesting people i've ever encountered. the workload...oh it's tough. and of course, i think that staying out until one in the morning every night is okay. and then i'm stuck the next day cramming an entire week's assignments into a one-hour break period...so i suppose i put the stress on myself. so why do i stay out until one? here is where college doesn't quite add up to what i wouldve liked for it to...

loneliness...i suppose i expected the college parties and to meet more people, but i guess i let one person consume my whole life (she will remain unnamed). i hung out with her every single day. i gave up the four people in this world who have been there for me since day one, the people who mean more to me than they will ever know so that i could hang out with her. i wanted to feel accepted...to feel like i was part of something that was more than going to burger king every night or driving around with nothing to do. but soon after i left that part of my life behind, i missed it terribly but by then, it was too late...i had lost myself. i let myself become what my new friends wanted me to be. by the end of my senior summer, i had no idea who i was anymore. lauren was no longer a part of me and i had become someone i never wanted to become...a follower. my days consisted of her,work, her, her, and more her. she completely took over my life, but i suppose i liked it. all summer i had felt unwanted and when i found someone who actually wanted to hang out with me, who went out of her way to talk to me, i clung onto her. this girl made me feel like i was someone important...i hadn't felt that from my other friends in God knows how long. anyway, i let this girl become my entire being...and then she was gone. i knew it would happen sooner or later because that's the way she is, but i was hoping for later. she was the one girl in my life i felt i could trust and that was gone in five minutes. i had given up everyone else in my life, so i felt like i had nothing left...but i have the most wonderful person who stands by me no matter what...

it's been this on/off "thing" for about two years, i suppose. he's come into my life, he's walked out. i'd find my way back to him, and leave. but this, this is different. i've never felt this way about another person in my entire life. about four years ago, a guy completely broke my heart. he is now married and has a kid on the way and i couldn't be happier for him. justin has completely changed my life. he is always there for me and has shown me what it's like to truly be in love with someone. we fight, we argue, but i would never want to live a day of my life without him. i've lost everything...my mom, my friends, my self-control; but even after i've had the worst day i could ever imagine, he's right there to make me smile. my happiness exists in him and he is everything i could ever want in a man. he knows me better than anyone, he is my best friend. i thank God for him...without him, i'd lose my sanity.

so, college has been a lonely, but great ride thus far. i've lost a lot of people, but gained so many more. i don't miss her, but i do miss them. i miss everything about them. the long roadtrips, the random work visits, the laughter, the EATING :) i'd give anything to have what i had back, but i guess people change, and i guess life must go on.