we're in college now. scary thought, huh? it's like all that we've been waiting for is finally here...and it seems as if the expectation gave me a much greater high than the experience itself. when i set foot on campus, i was in awe. the buildings, the people, the freedom...it was one of the most thrilling feelings i've ever had. high school was just the bridge (the ever so long bridge) between childhood and adolescence, but i never thought growing up would be so hard...
from the time a child is born, he's being prepared to venture out on his own. learning to stand, learning to walk, to talk, to think for himself, to ride a bike, to drive a car, to earn money, etc. and we all look forward so much to the next step that we almost skip a step just to reach the next one. but, once we reach the next step, the next is only so far away and we want to be there so bad. college was that way for me, but college was not all it was cracked up to be.

sure, i am absolutely in love with college life. LOVE. while i live at home, i still have freedom (like today, i chose not to go to my english class because i decided to stay out late last night instead of doing my 15-source annotated bibliography that was due). the people i have met have been some of the most wonderful and interesting people i've ever encountered. the workload...oh it's tough. and of course, i think that staying out until one in the morning every night is okay. and then i'm stuck the next day cramming an entire week's assignments into a one-hour break period...so i suppose i put the stress on myself. so why do i stay out until one? here is where college doesn't quite add up to what i wouldve liked for it to...

loneliness...i suppose i expected the college parties and to meet more people, but i guess i let one person consume my whole life (she will remain unnamed). i hung out with her every single day. i gave up the four people in this world who have been there for me since day one, the people who mean more to me than they will ever know so that i could hang out with her. i wanted to feel accepted...to feel like i was part of something that was more than going to burger king every night or driving around with nothing to do. but soon after i left that part of my life behind, i missed it terribly but by then, it was too late...i had lost myself. i let myself become what my new friends wanted me to be. by the end of my senior summer, i had no idea who i was anymore. lauren was no longer a part of me and i had become someone i never wanted to become...a follower. my days consisted of her,work, her, her, and more her. she completely took over my life, but i suppose i liked it. all summer i had felt unwanted and when i found someone who actually wanted to hang out with me, who went out of her way to talk to me, i clung onto her. this girl made me feel like i was someone important...i hadn't felt that from my other friends in God knows how long. anyway, i let this girl become my entire being...and then she was gone. i knew it would happen sooner or later because that's the way she is, but i was hoping for later. she was the one girl in my life i felt i could trust and that was gone in five minutes. i had given up everyone else in my life, so i felt like i had nothing left...but i have the most wonderful person who stands by me no matter what...

it's been this on/off "thing" for about two years, i suppose. he's come into my life, he's walked out. i'd find my way back to him, and leave. but this, this is different. i've never felt this way about another person in my entire life. about four years ago, a guy completely broke my heart. he is now married and has a kid on the way and i couldn't be happier for him. justin has completely changed my life. he is always there for me and has shown me what it's like to truly be in love with someone. we fight, we argue, but i would never want to live a day of my life without him. i've lost everything...my mom, my friends, my self-control; but even after i've had the worst day i could ever imagine, he's right there to make me smile. my happiness exists in him and he is everything i could ever want in a man. he knows me better than anyone, he is my best friend. i thank God for him...without him, i'd lose my sanity.

so, college has been a lonely, but great ride thus far. i've lost a lot of people, but gained so many more. i don't miss her, but i do miss them. i miss everything about them. the long roadtrips, the random work visits, the laughter, the EATING :) i'd give anything to have what i had back, but i guess people change, and i guess life must go on.